I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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