Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
