At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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