The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
