Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
