Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
