I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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