Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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