All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
