Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
