The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
