I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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