Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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