i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
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i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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