Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
