Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
