Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
