and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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