we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
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You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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