That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
