i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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