I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
