how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
