it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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