Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
