If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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