I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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