I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
