Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
