I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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