i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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