i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
