I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
