She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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