I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
