Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
