you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
