Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
