I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
