I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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