He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
