Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Randomize
