How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
