She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
