Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
