i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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