I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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