I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
