Your mouth is God's brothel.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
