Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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