I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
