God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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