i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
