whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
