Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
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And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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