i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
