Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
