I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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